


two sides of the same coin

by Civillain



Series: one-way mirror (no way out) [1]
Category: One Piece
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe Travel, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Marine Monkey D. Luffy, Misunderstandings, Pirate Monkey D. Luffy, Travel, and, because it's really just all misunderstandings, but it's really stupid, but not really, franky's speedo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-12
Updated: 2019-09-14
Packaged: 2020-08-19 16:35:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,986
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20212891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Civillain/pseuds/Civillain
Summary: Commodore Monkey D. Luffy of the marines and Straw-Hat Luffy of the pirates end up switching minds.The Strawhats think their captain is trying to kill himself, Smoker's certain that his colleague has gone off his rocker, and Luffy (marine) is having a hard time trying to cope with this as well.Not the other one, though, he's perfectly fine.(a couple marines are left traumatized forever)





	1. why

"-LUFFY!  
"-FY, WHICH PART OF YOUR HEAD HURTS?  
"-WAKE UP PLEASE, ARE YOU OKAY-"

Commodore Monkey D. Luffy comes to with a low groan, clutching at his temple, because that _smarts_ like a _bitch_. He sits up and shields his eyes from the sun with one hand, trying his best to reorient himself in the blur of his confusion. The blinding light does him no favors, pricking at his eyelids.  
In the 3 seconds it takes to steady his vision, he realizes that something is very, very, wrong.____

_ _ __ _ _

The first thing he sees is a strange raccoon-dog with a blue nose hovering over him, frantically manhandling his head in its paws (hands?) and screaming something intangible. Luffy actually doesn't know what to make of this.  
But the animal doesn't make any move to harm him, doesn't exhibit any cues that mean any ill will, and so he makes a show of relaxing into its hold, not quite letting up the tension in his shoulders or the alert in his eyes.

"..Hello..who..," he says slowly, and then he consciously registers the fact that his words are slurring. 

Huh.

It's a bit hard to breathe, too.

He sits up straighter, hits his own back with his fist a couple times, and coughs, hard. Something wet splatters onto the ground.

Blood.

Luffy frowns down at the dark stain, partly in confusion and partly in bewilderment- because he's never coughed blood without being seriously injured first. At least he thinks he hasn't. Probably not?  
And nothing but his forehead hurts, so there'd be no reason for him to cough out blood, of all things.

The creature that had been fussing over him, a reindeer- Luffy sees now, since its antlers are in view, makes a half-sad half-mad face at him and then...begins to reprimand him.  
"-I told you, I told you, oh Luffy.." it wails, gesturing wildy at the blood on the ground and Luffy can't help but feel a bit perturbed, because *damn* was that scolding nostalgic.  
Fishbonen's own bouts of concern over Luffy's reckless fighting had long been ingrained into Luffy's mind, the smell of dead fish never quite leaving his nose.  
The medic always got real close when lecturing someone, after all. 

So through sheer habit, he completely drowns out the frantic rebukes, instead choosing to grasp an understanding of his surroundings. Which really, he should've done a while ago.

Now here, Luffy realizes yet another something that's pretty important.

He had already known that he was on a ship, the gentle rocking and the salty breeze being his biggest cues, but there was a lack of anger and a lack of malicious intent directed at him. That usually meant that the area was safe....which was pretty rare in itself, to be honest.  
And since the environment had seemed so inviting, Luffy had completely missed the fact that the ship had a damn Jolly Roger.

Shit.

He wrenches himself out of the reindeer's grasp, does his best to ignore the worried protests, and presses himself against the walls of the nearest cabin, where he can protect his back best.  
"Shh," he hisses at the reindeer, and he doesn't miss the puzzled look it sends his way.

"-what? Luffy wh-" Luffy claps a hand over the reindeer's mouth, sending it a small glare.  
"Shh." he repeats.

-the reindeer suddenly grows into a strangely muscled man.  
Luffy stares blankly.

The man- reindeer? grumbles out a "-are you okay?" and Luffy is about to respond no, not okay at all what the fuck-but then his ears begin to stop ringing and more sounds become apparent to him. He can hear music. Plausible distraction?

Luffy dives away from the reindeer in a desperate attempt to get away from-whatever that is- and rolls down a flight of stairs onto a huge plain of grass. The grass prickles at his face. 

The throbbing in his head increases, and so he grits his teeth to head off the pain. (Unsuccessfully)  
It's a lot worse than a headache, he knows now.  
As he rubs his forehead, Luffy scans the area for any possible escape route, any visible land that he can escape to. Clearly, there is none.  
He's fully surrounded by water. On a pirate ship.

Double-shit. Garp is going to be 𝘴𝘰 damn mad.

The reindeer comes running down after him, now strangely muscled once more, and Luffy doesn't want any part of _that_. Scrambling desperately away (he's ashamed to even admit that much) he glares back threateningly, only for it to stop in its tracks. The creature throws him a slightly-hurt look, and Luffy can't help the small welling-up of guilt that grows in his gut.  
It didn't even mean him any harm, after all. (Probably)__

_ __ _

_ __ _

But then the reindeer-lookalike suddenly morphs into an actual reindeer, four legs and giant hooves and fluffy tail and all.

"Luffy, come back over here!" it hollers again, (_while looking so dang creepy_ ) and Luffy has *so* had enough why is he here anyway-__

_ __ _

_ __ _

and then he sees it.

There's two people aggressively dancing to an animated skeleton's (with an afro, Luffy realizes with wonder, the skeleton has an afro-) violin music, and they're dancing so dramatically that Luffy really can't help but judge them. 

One man, the one with the long nose, seems to be stripping. He's singing, too, Luffy notices belatedly, if the terrible cronking sound could be considered so.  
The man with blue hair is wearing nothing but a speedo and an unbuttoned caridgan with an atrocious flower pattern. The bright colors make Luffy's head pound.  
Luffy tears his gaze away from the two of them. Kinda awkward.

The dancing is reminiscent of a private ritual.  
Just as disturbing as one, at the very least. 

And when Luffy turns to look at them again, the strange-almost-naked man catches his eye, and then _winks_ at him, a great big smile on his face. Then his arm falls off, loosely hanging by some sort of thread. The other man determinedly sticks a couple chopsticks up his nose.__

_ __ _

_ __ _

So.

No, Luffy decides, no, not dealing with this shit today, whatever the hell this is he's supposed to be on his break-

-and so he takes a running leap off the deck

\- and into the water.

He regrets his decision _so bad_ literally three seconds after he jumps because _what the fuck_ he wasn't trying to commit suicide why _was he sinking_?______

_ _ __ _ _

_ _ __ _ _

"-Ugh," he manages, before his head goes under.

Someone's shouting my name, he thinks blearily, someone just dove in after me.

That someone is an idiot, he decides, so stupid are they suiciding (???) what's with the green hair

And then his vision goes black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> introduction ヽ༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ﾉ  
possible rewrite in the future because pacing seems really wrong
> 
> also explanations soon


	2. fak

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tell me about any mistakes please i'm bad at writing 
> 
> oo basic summary of the whole story
> 
> genesis_frog told me how to fix the italics thank you!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> misunderstandings 
> 
> warning for implied/referenced suicide  
but not really
> 
> what even is this i can't pick a genre  
zoro angsts to luffy but it's really not needed because luffy actually doesn't have a clue about anything

Luffy wakes up with a spluttering cough. 

_"I thought I was gonna die,"_ he gasps, chest heaving as he struggles to catch his breath. The nauseous rolling in his gut forces bile to slowly rise up his throat, filling his mouth with the acid.  
"Ugh," he chokes, and spits out what he can. The tangy vomit gets smeared back onto his own face.__

_ __ _

Rolling over onto his back from where he's sprawled on the ground, Luffy wipes his chin with his sleeve-

Oh. 

Wait.  
Luffy eyes his forearm. (Now stained with gross spit and vomit)

He doesn't even have sleeves anymore.  
"Huh," he voices out loud, eyebrows furrowed in thought, because when had he changed out of his clothes?  
Jogging his memory, he's positive that he hadn't at all. 

"Luffy." 

Luffy jolts upwards, eyes wide and alert, because he somehow managed to completely forget about where he currently was.  
On a goddamn pirate ship, that's where. It has a Jolly Roger and everything.

He shifts into a defensive crouch, his movements shaky and a slight tremor in his leg marring the confidence he emanates, but he keeps his face blank and posture tense. He can't let his guard down again. Not in front of a pirate, he amends internally.

The man in front of him stares back at him impassively, a slightly raised eyebrow the only hint of any emotion. His feet shift a little, but maybe that's just Luffy's imagination because everything's kinda blurring? 

And then

-before Luffy can even react, the man pins him down onto the grass. 

"Wha-" he gets out, but even the words come out sluggishly, and the man's expression suddenly warps into a mixture of concern and righteous fury. Luffy twists around to try and push him off, but his grip is too strong and he can't see; his face is just a blur and his ears are ringing-

"Chopper tells me you jumped."

Luffy stops struggling.

.

There's nothing particularly incriminating in that sentence alone, that much Luffy knows. But the way the man croaks out the words, his voice both flat and hoarse at the same time, deep-rooted anger and worry and some sort of contorted _grief_ all clear in the inflection of his speaking just strikes a chord in his chest, and he can't find it in himself to meet the other's eyes.  
(is the shame he feels really his?)__

_ __ _

A moment of silence passes before the man on top of him speaks again, his grip on Luffy's wrists tightening imperceptibly. 

"Thriller Bark," he begins, words heavy with something Luffy can't quite discern, "was my decision.

"It was my decision. And mine alone. You-" Here, he struggles with his words, mouth twisting into a scowl, "-had nothing to do with it. You didn't have a fucking choice, Luffy, you damn-_idiot_,"__

_ __ _

To Luffy's alarm, the man cuts off his words with a choked noise, half-sob half-not, and lowers his head. Luffy can't see his face anymore.

"-promise."  
Green hair tickles his nose.

"-promise me, Luffy, that you won't ever do something like that again. Ever. Because the very first promise we made? It doesn't matter as much as your _life_ anymore, understand? I don't give a shit anymore. Your dream is my dream now, and you-" Green-hair man abruptly stops talking once more, and Luffy barely catches the way his eyes briefly flick to the side. __

_ __ _

What's he looking at, Luffy wonders, and when he turns his head to see for himself, he instinctively suppresses the urge to recoil in horror. (Ugh, chopsticks)  
It's the man with the long nose, staring at them with an expression caught between terror and anger(?) and trepidation, and when they meet eyes, the guy flinches. But why?  
Is it that fear and hatred of marines? Why are they even keeping him on the ship?

Luffy's head snaps back to eye the green man when he begins to shift, hands still placed in a gripping hold on Luffy's wrists.  
"C'mon," he says quietly, and leads Luffy away from the deck.

_____________________________________________

Luffy gets sat down in a chair.  
(it's more like he collapses onto it, but details)

"..pirates," he mumbles into the table, arms hooking over his neck (both as a casual pose and as a defensive precaution). He's surrounded by pirates.  
Somehow got himself held captive by them, too.

Shitty day.

There're eight people encircling him, blocking all possible routes of escape. They murmur hushed somethings to each other, quiet and panicked and with a tinge of desperation, but they aren't quiet enough for Luffy to not catch snippets of their conversations.

"-who told-" That's the green-haired man.

"-no, it's not-" Orange-haired girl?

"-calm down-" Tall woman.

"-Thriller Bark!-" ...There's that phrase again. 

"-suicide-" Someone snarls the word, and then suddenly- oh. Luffy comes to an understanding. 

Before he can even stop himself, he hears himself speaking. He makes a strangled sound in his throat, and whispers,

"It wasn't. I- wasn't." 

All eyes snap to him. Unconsciously, Luffy takes note of the tell-tale signs of tears on some of their faces, and he can't help but be baffled, because _why_? Did something else happen? Is he interpreting the situation the wrong way?__

_ __ _

He clears his throat again, but his cough is wheezy and broken, and he grasps at his throat on a reflex. "I-," he manages to get out, before he goes into a coughing fit, blood dripping down his chin.

"Chopper." someone says sharply, and the reindeer from before comes bustling over to Luffy, face wet and clearly distressed. 

Oh shit. He made an animal cry. Somehow.

Chopper, Luffy assumes, fusses over him and chides him about eating properly. The rebukes are said sternly, but the reindeer's voice quavers with an emotion that Luffy can't quite understand- 

_why?_ Why are they caring for him?__

_ __ _

And then two hands slam down onto the table.

A man with a swirly eyebrow leans over and towers over him, his mouth curved in a deep frown.

"How could you," is the first thing he says, and Luffy's mind draws a blank, because he actually doesn't remember offending anybody yet? 

"-leave us. How could you try and leave us like that, _damn you_!" His voice rises into a shout.__

_ __ _

Swirly-man glares at him, his posture stiff and clearly furious. 

"Promise me. Promise _all of us_ that you won't ever try it again. You can't leave us like that, you shitty idiot. You can't just die like that. You're stupid, yeah, but none of us ever thought you were _this_ stupid. You're worth more than this, you're worth so muc-" the man chokes on his words, and Luffy feels really damn awkward.

_ __ _

His throat won't work and he can't clear this up, shit, 

shit, how does he tell them that he jumped and almost died because he thought he could swim?  
(speaking of which, why _can't_ he swim?)__

_ __ _

"All Blue," the man says suddenly, "I'm going to find All Blue."

Luffy really doesn't know what that has to do with him.

"And you're going to be there with me. You're going to be there too, understand? You're going to be there the entire time."

Oh.  
(but what the fuck why)

"You can't die until then," he continues, "-you can't die. You can't die at all. Promise us, Luffy. Promise that you won't try this ever again."  
Almost silently, Swirly adds under his breath, "Don't you dare ever leave us."

There's a tense, dramatic moment where everyone stares at Luffy intently.

Miraculously, (or not so miraculously,) his throat chooses that exact, tensely dramatic moment to free up and he blurts out, "-but I like swimming."

.  
.

Judging by the looks on their faces, he probably fucked up.

The room explodes into bright noise, and the loudest of them all is the green-haired man, who angrily hisses, "_Is this all just a joke to you?_" to which Luffy really wants to reply, 'no, it's not, I just don't know what the actual fuck is going on,' but he instead just shakes his head, eyes wide.__  
Shit, he made the pirates mad, how's he going to get out of this one?  
He's weakened too, can't fight properly in this condition, not with his head buzzing and ears ringing and hands and feet numb

_ __ _

_ __ _

\- but a thought occurs to him, and now the question niggles at his mind.

"I want to ask you something," he says firmly to the green-haired man, and the guy bristles a little before visibly calming. He reluctantly nods back at Luffy in affirmation, and he makes a movement with his hand that seems to calm the rest of the pirates down. (Except not really, because the swirly-man is still kicking the wall and the long-nosed man is still crying in the corner)

Luffy inhales slowly, not sure how to phrase his question. If he says something offensive, will he get killed? It seems they don't want him killed, but Luffy's been known to test the waters and cross the line- he only usually comes out of it unscathed. 

Drumming his fingers on the table, the rhythmic sound soothing his nerves, he focuses on the bright green hair in front of him. It's wet.  
And the man smells like the sea (at least moreso than the others). 

So when he asks, "You saved me, right?" he already knows the answer. 

The man levels a glare at him, his eyes piercing into Luffy's own.  
"Of course.." he answers like it's obvious, and with the skeptical way he replies, it's almost as if Luffy were the one being questioned.

"Okay," Luffy says. "...okay."

He sits up higher and hesitantly leans forward across the table to sweep the wet fringe out of the other guy's eyes. To his surprise, when he does, the man jumps back and flushes almost imperceptibly, eyes widening just a little bit.  
"-huh?" he spits out.

Luffy frowns at him. That's a common reaction. He sees it all the time when he does the same for those in his command, but his methods of calming those in recovery have mostly been well-received. People usually like that he treats his squadrons kindly. His hand lingers in the air, and he bites his lip, unsure.

"Why'd you save me..?" he asks uncertainly, not sure where he should look or how he should act.  
He can't figure out what these pirates want at all, not with them acting so much like his own men. He had even slipped up, trying to calm a _pirate_ down even though he had gone into the water willingly, to save *Luffy*.__

_ __ _

_ __ _

But then the faint red on the man's cheeks turns a pallid white, and his voice is croaky when he rasps "..how-how could you ever doubt that I'd save you?"

Luffy opens his mouth, about to say something that would probably be offensive, but he never gets the chance.

A hand grabs Luffy by the scruff of his collar- wait. He doesn't have a collar anymore- the hand grabs him by the front of -his?- vest, and pulls him upwards until Luffy's almost nose-to-nose with him, and Luffy has no choice but to look him straight in the eye when the other hisses, "What's _wrong_ with you?"__

_ __ _

_ __ _

Luffy opens his mouth again, because he wants to say 'yes there's many things wrong but I don't think it's all me who the fuck are you' when someone yells, "Zoro!"

Zoro?

"Zoro, stop! Let him go!" The orange haired girl pushes her way towards the two of them, and she tugs a bewildered Luffy back down onto his feet. She shoves Zoro away from Luffy with a light push, and puts her hands on Luffy's shoulders.  
Her eyes are red and puffy when she glares at him, but she then turns to face Zoro.

"Look," she says, her mouth twisting in a scowl, "Luffy's recovering right now. Don't- don't push him too far, we have to make sure he," the girl swallows, pointedly looking away from Luffy, "..he, he can't,"  
She trails off, and Luffy can see tears budding in her eyes. 

"Hey.." he begins, hand hooking over the back of his neck, "I don't really know what's going on here.." because it's so fucking awkward why are they all crying, "but are..you really Zoro?"

Zoro, as he had been dubbed, stiffens. 

_"What?"_ he wheezes.__

_ __ _

_ __ _

Luffy blinks, eyes roving over the other man properly. He has three swords strapped to his waist, green hair, and looks kinda mean so he matches the description Luffy remembers. But it just doesn't make sense.

"Pirate Hunter Zoro." Luffy says simply. "I'm asking you if you're Pirate Hunter Zoro."  
.

The people around him look like they've been electrocuted. 

"How hard did you hit your head?!" The reindeer- Chopper wails. "How can you forget Zoro?!"

"I didn't forget him!" Luffy retorts, "I'm just confirming it for myself!"

"But _why_?!"__

_ __ _

_ __ _

"Just answer!"

"Did you get amnesia?!"

"-I just need to know! Because Pirate Hunter Zor-"

"Yeah. I am," Zoro cuts in. "And what of it?" 

Luffy's attention snaps towards Zoro, and he stares at him for a good long while, lips drawn down in a cold frown. "You serious?" he drawls, wide eyes narrowing into a frosty glare.  
He sits down where he is, back to the wall and crossing his arms, his frown deepening with every second of Zoro's silence.

Zoro raises an eyebrow in his confusion, clearly taken aback by Luffy's expression. "Yeah...?"

"I don't appreciate impostors." The words are frigid.

Zoro sucks in a breath, both baffled and irritated. "What are you even saying?!" he barks, hands slamming onto the table, "What's wrong with you right now?!"

"Shut up!" Luffy snarls, and the temperature of the room grows considerably colder. The situation is only growing worse, he knows that. But with him not knowing what the pirates want, or why they're keeping him captive, he can't act on anything properly. He can't even swim away.

"..shut up." 

Zoro stays quiet. 

Luffy turns an apprehensive eye on the other people in the room, but no one even moves. All eyes are trained on him, some suspicious, some worried, some scared, but Luffy doesn't mind all that. Because the long-nosed man in the corner is now unconscious.

Why the fuuuck. Garp would probably scold him for this, using Haki on accident even though he wasn't even good at bringing it out consciously yet.  
He'd knocked out a couple marines while they were practicing drills before, and all of them had ended up in the infirmaries. To avoid being responsible for paying the bills, Luffy had passed it off as all of them simultaneously passing out at once because Garp had showed up to angrily cheer them on. 

Of course, he wasn't believed, but he wasn't held responsible for the injuries anyways. He *was* a lot younger at the time, and *was* also eventually forgiven for it all, (even if Garp had given him countless 'Fists of Love' right afterwards). (It was considered blasphemous to Garp's name)

But here, now, as long as no one notices that the guy in the corner is comatose, he should be fine, right?

..Wait, shit, the reindeer saw him. "Usoooop," someone wails, and Luffy's probably sweating bullets now, ugh,

So he makes a guttural sound in his throat to mask his uneasiness, and for the moment, all attention is turned away from the long-nosed guy.  
Good. ..Good. He can do this.

...

"Pirate Hunter Zoro," he begins tightly, because this actually _does_ make him mad, "died at the hands of a corrupt marine."__

_ __ _

_ __ _

Wide eyes greet his own, and Luffy can't help the scowl that pushes onto his face. 

"I don't appreciate impostors." he says again, the words almost growled, "And certainly not pirates that try to ruin a man's name.

"Pirate Hunter Zoro's death was a result of my own failure...since I didn't get there in time. No one really knew what 'Axe-Hand' Morgan was doing to that town. His damn statue was an eyesore, too.  
But Morgan didn't get away with what he did. Neither did his son." Luffy pauses, eyes sharpening. "That means that you, pirate, won't get away with this either."

In a single, fluid, movement, Luffy grabs a knife from the kitchen counter-top and points it at 'Zoro''s neck. There's a distance, sure, but his aim isn't *too* bad. He got enough shit from his colleagues and mentors about always relying on brute strength anyways.

"If you have any semblance of respect for a dead man who shouldn't have died then, then tell me your real name and turn yourself in." 

Luffy steels himself and tenses, preparing for a fight, because there's no way these pirates would let him off just like that. His legs are still wobbling and his arms feel bizarrely weak. If these pirates are strong enough, they can easily overpower him with their strength in numbers + his handicaps. And he had gone and offended their (probably) leader. Great.

His last words to Garp had been 'go suck on an egg' and oh damn did he regret that now.

But when Zoro finally speaks up, he isn't looking for a fight. Instead, his voice is taut and wracked with anger as he says, "You aren't Luffy."  
And he says it like he believes it wholeheartedly, no doubt in his tone.

It shocks Luffy speechless for a good while.  
Fuck that.  
With flashing eyes, Luffy slams the knife down onto the table. It gets embedded inside, and small splinters cut into his fingers. 

"Like _hell_ I'm not," he hisses, frown changing into a blank glower, "I'm not going to take that from an _imposter_."____

_ _ __ _ _

_ _ __ _ _

Zoro glares back at him, reaching for his swords. "Who are you?," he asks, and his voice is spitting with poison. Luffy barely resists the urge to shout at him, because if they _didn't even know he is then why'd they kidnap him?___

_ __ _

_ __ _

"I'm Monkey D. Luffy. State your name. Now."

"Luffy would never act this way. He's our captain. You're doing a shitty job of impersonating him-"

_"I'm_ Luffy, and I'm not your damn captain what shit are you spouting-"__

_ __ _

_ __ _

"Luffy is our captain," Zoro snaps, "And he's going to be Pirate King!"

"What?!" Luffy rears back, because _what the fuck_, "Like *hell* I'm going to be a pirate king! Pirates?"__

_ __ _

_ __ _

"...what?" Zoro pauses his spiel, and the hand clutching his sword relaxes ever so slightly. "You aren't even a pirate?"

"No." Luffy says, voice thin.

"My name is Monkey D. Luffy, and I'm a marine."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next one's an interlude over on strawhat luffy's side
> 
> also, if you didn't get it, it's implied that they think someone leaked the 'zoro takes luffy's pain' thing to luffy and zoro thinks he tried to honor his promise of never getting in his way of being best swordsman  
you know how that promise went  
except it was at the end of a sword but details details
> 
> and the stuff about why Luffy even bothered to remember how zoro died will be mentioned soon


	3. infertile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Smoker gets a headache

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hate random original characters so i'd only use actual listed characters but there'll be background guys with no names  
also the writing's really bad? sorry it'll get smoother towards the middle and end but I can't manage the beginning :0
> 
> smoker's debuuuut  
you'd think smoker'd be less angry but no
> 
> so i figure since smoker's pretty mean to his own unit (g-5 or something) he'd be more casual or somewhat more easygoing with someone who shares his ideals (marine luffy?? i mean in terms of their ideals of justice hm (kinda like with tashigi))  
since his unit has marines that are "sadistic and cruel, ignoring regulations, but obey Smoker. Smoker, in turn, shows contempt for them due to their blatant disregard for laws." thanks wikipedia

When Smoker enters Luffy's room, the first things he sees are the hundreds of papers scattered everywhere.

"What," he says, because he's fairly certain that Luffy had been raised (with the intervention of literally all the vice-admirals other than Garp) to be as different from Garp as possible.  
No one was successful, of course, (Garp's the damn grandfather) but it doesn't change the fact that Luffy is _somewhat-_ maybe just a little- smarter than Garp?  
That isn't saying much, but it's something. __

_ _

_ _So the fact that Luffy's kicking the ceiling while doing a handstand on the cabinets is rather...worrisome. (Never mind the fact that he's even chewing on some of the papers)_ _

_ _Smoker stands in the doorway awkwardly for a few more seconds until Luffy catches his eye._ _

_ _"Ohm! Schmoshkey!" he exclaims, chunks of paper flying out from his mouth._ _

_ _Schmoshkey?_ _

_ _Luffy stares at him with clear surprise, and they don't break eye contact for a solid 2 minutes.  
(He's still chewing the goddamn papers._ _

__Smoker's half tempted to climb up there and wrench those papers out of his mouth, but he _actually_ has respect for the other commodore, regardless of...whatever this is.  
But then again, this *is* the fucking Grand Line and no one's ever fully immune to _that_ brand of crazy)__

_ _Smoker shifts from foot to foot, feeling bizarrely uncomfortable with the way Luffy looks at him. His eyes seem abnormally large(-er than usual).  
"Luffy," he begins, "Are you ready?"_ _

__ The kid blinks, mouth twisting into a confused frown. "Reaphty fphor what?"  
As he finishes speaking, the wet, drool-slicked papers fall out of his mouth and land in a heap at Smoker's feet.  
Smoker wrinkles his nose. 

__

__"We..arranged a meeting.." Smoker says slowly, doing his best to keep his irritation out of his voice. He really isn't willing to provoke a fight with Commodore Luffy _again_, the kid who inherited literally all of 'Garp the Fist's' brute strength.  
He'd tried fighting that (while angry) once already, and his smoke didn't do shit in the face of Garp's Armament-type Haki training. Fuck the bruises he got afterwards.

When Luffy doesn't respond to him at all, Smoker huffs exasperatedly. "So? Are we going to talk or what?" 

"Yeah..talk, right? ...Smokey." 

Smokey? Smoker reluctantly nods in affirmation, choosing to avoid mention of the strange nickname he'd suddenly been dubbed with.  
"It's a meeting. And if you're having some problems or going through some weird-ass mid-life crisis, head to the infirmary afterwards. You're acting weird." he growls the last words, but doesn't miss the way Luffy flinches at the sudden change of tone.  
Hm.

"Smokey," Luffy says again, and Smoker resists the urge to hit his face against his palm, "...where's this?"

"What? This is your room. Or your office, whatever you want to call it. Why?" 

Luffy flips up back onto his feet, crouching on the cabinet with his hands raised above his head. "Well..I've never been here before."

"Quit shitting me. We don't have time for this." Smoker glowers, and he shakes his jitte a little threateningly in his frustration. The movement is intended as a gesture to convey how irritated he is, but it doesn't seem to get the message across.

Instead, Luffy's eyes snap to the seastone at the end of the weapon, and his eyes narrow into something that looks like a cross between apprehension and- fear? 

"Keep that away from me." Luffy says sharply, and Smoker's a little taken aback by the sudden change in his demeanor. Luffy's fought him countless times in their mock battles, and he's never once been affected by the jitte. The seastone shouldn't even be able to do anything against him.

But nevertheless, he agrees with a muttered "sure," and sets the long staff back onto the ground beside him. Luffy relaxes minutely, shoulders releasing their tension. The kid then grins at him, smile wide and so innocent that Smoker has to take a step back. Since when had Luffy ever been like this?

"Thanks Smokey! You've never listened to me before!"  
Again with that damned nickname. 

Smoker furrows his brow, his vexation beginning to show in the crinkles of his forehead. "Okay," he says. "We'll deal with whatever this is afterwards. We don't have time for this right now. I'll take you to the infirmary later, alright? Come on already." 

Luffy nods at him, arms crossed and eyes closed. "Right. Our 'talk.' On three, okay?"  
The word 'talk' is said with with something vaguely sarcastic underlying it, and Smoker begins to ask, "Why'd you say it like that-" but he's cut off before he can finish speaking.  
It's because Luffy tackles him. 

Smoker barks out a loud "WHAT", spinning around and knocking down various objects in his attempts to wrench Luffy off.  
"What are you-" he struggles to pry Luffy's arm off his neck, but the kid's grip is tight and his fingers are latched onto his skin. His entire body is being held in a choke-hold, and it actually hurts, even though the force behind it is sloppy and the posture is messy.  
Smoker rams the both of them into the wall, breaking quite a few shelves and destroying several books. "Get off," he snarls, and he's so tempted to just turn into smoke and suffocate the idiot but-

"You aren't fighting back," a voice says at the forefront of his ear. "-why aren't you fighting back?"

Luffy's grip isn't choking anymore.  
He unwraps his legs from around Smoker's waist and lets go of his neck, massaging his own arms with pliant fingers. "Are you okay, Smokey? You're acting weird." 

_He's_ acting weird? __

_ __ _

_ __ _

"The hell are you tryna pull, Monkey?!" Smoker hisses, one hand clasping his own neck and the other clenching his jitte. Had the person attacking him been anyone else, they would've received a mouth full of seastone and a sharp jab to the gut. 

But Luffy just stares back at him, eyes wide and unblinking. "That was a fight. We always fight like that." he says with utmost conviction, and if Smoker weren't so sure he was somehow mentally damaged then he might've believed him. 

"Sorry I didn't wait the full three seconds though," the kid adds, "you usually don't listen to me when I say 'on three' so I didn't know I'd catch you by surprise." He toys with the papers at his feet, and looks up at Smoker with a plaintive smile. "You must be feeling sick, you haven't even tried to attack me yet! Although I guess that since you already captured me, there wouldn't be any reason to."

.

What shit is he spouting?

Smoker eyeballs Luffy for a little while longer, noting the faint bruise on his head and the strange swagger he had moved with. Luffy's a trained marine, mentored by 'Garp the Fist' himself. There's no way he'd ever act like this of his own volition.  
"You've been hit in the head," he concludes, flicking Luffy's forehead with as little force as possible. The boy winces a little, but Smoker pays no heed. "We have to get going, I'll bring you a doctor later. This doesn't look that serious anyway." He grabs one of Luffy's arms roughly, ignoring the way Luffy stiffens and frowns. 

"Come on," he growls, when Luffy doesn't even budge. Smoker tugs harder, but to no avail- Luffy just sets his mouth and refuses to move even an inch.

_"Luffy!"_ he snaps. "Let's go already, do you even know what'll happen to us if we don't go?! We'll be punished-"__

_ _Luffy yanks his arm out of Smoker's grasp, interrupting his warning. "That's the thing! What's going on? Why are you calling me that, and what happened to 'Strawhat?' And where-" Luffy abruptly stops speaking, his gaze cutting to stare at his own arm incredulously; as if his arm is something incredibly terrifying._ _

_ _"What 'Strawhat?'" Smoker asks irritably, "And what do you mean *that?* I call you by your damn name, idiot." He tugs on Luffy's arm again, and he's genuinely _so_ close to just slinging the kid over his shoulder and bringing him to the meeting by force. He can ignore the freaky jeers from his (creepier) colleagues anyways. ____

_ _ __ _ _

_ _ __ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _But then Luffy takes a step back with a strange expression on his face, mouth twisting in something reminiscent to a scowl. He holds out his arm to Smoker, fingers almost touching his nose, and Smoker looks down (cross-eyed) at his hand curiously. "What are you doing?" he inquires, but Luffy offers no response. _ _ _ _

.

_ _ _ _Rather, with a look of frustrated concentration, Luffy curls his fingers and bends his arm, twisting it at an angle that makes his fingernails barely brush against Smoker's eyelashes._ And then... _ _ _

_ _ _ _A loud, sickening, 'SNAP' sound echoes through the room. _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _"Oh," Luffy says._ ___

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ Smoker struggles for words for a few moments. (struggles to fucking breath, honestly)___

_ _ __ _ _

_ _ _ _"Why?"_ he manages at last, aghast, choking on his tongue.__ _ _ _

"I guess I broke my arm," Luffy continues nonchalantly, as though he hadn't just _broken his arm.___

_ _Smoker watches him, dumbfounded, as the other pokes at his injured limb and releases a high, strained, giggle. "It kinda hurts," Luffy mutters. And then he holds out his other arm._ _

_ _

_ _'You're shitting me,' Smoker thinks.  
Smoker smacks Luffy's outstretched arm down with his jitte ("hey!") and grabs him by the face, pinching his cheeks together. Luffy sticks his tongue out. "What are you even _doing?_", Smoker snarls, doing his best to avoid touching the damaged limb. Ugh, this's going to get blamed on *him* somehow. "Why'd you go and break your fucking arm?" ___ _

_ _ _ _Luffy just stares up at him with an indulgent look. "I wanted to see if it would stretch," he says almost patronizingly. His tone suggests that this is common knowledge._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _-It is not._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _.  
._ _ _ _

__ __ __ _"I've changed my mind." Smoker barks, his grip on Luffy's face gradually getting tighter and tighter, "I'm taking you to the infirmary; right now. I don't know what the /fuck/ happened to you, but we're going to go get it fixed, meeting be damned."_  
Those geezers with their pansy scoldings can face Luffy's broken arm later.  
If Luffy somehow manages to permanently damage himself, then they'll need to understand that they're the ones at fault for not getting him the medical attention he needs. 

__

_ _ _ _....and he obviously needs a lot._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _"Uhn." _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ Smoker glares at him curiously. "What is it?"_ _ _ _

_ _ _ _"Shmoo-oky, mahy toongue ish shtuck.."  
Luffy headbutts him._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _Smoker is so fucking done._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _\---------------_ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _They're on their way to the infirmary, and the kid talks a lot._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _He jabbers on and on about how 'the papers smelled really funny and one actually smelled fruity' and 'I feel strong for some reason my hands aren't as wobbly I did a handstand suuuper easily' and 'Smokey's acting so weird' and 'I miss my hat but I know I can't bring it with me' and 'I bet Sanji'd like this place I see a kitchen' and Smoker really can't even understand half of that garble._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _But he does catch one part of Luffy's spiel. And at first, he thinks he's hearing things, because this is Luffy- even in this disoriented state (he hit his head, right?) he would never joke about this._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _"Zoro?" Smoker asks anyways, because he knows very well what that name means to Luffy. It's an unpleasant reminder, and an open secret to all the marines training under him._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _However, the reaction the name garners isn't anything close to what he had been expecting. Rather than darkening, Luffy's face brightens and his smile widens impossibly. "Yeah! He's my first-mate, you remember seeing him, right?"  
His face shines, and his grin is so _happy_ that Smoker winces.___ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _...Oh no.  
Shit._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _Luffy's delusional._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _Smoker hesitates, unsure of what to say, because how's he supposed to respond to that? Upsetting Luffy would just cause too many problems to count, and completely brushing the topic off would probably offend the kid too. (Honestly, he has a temper)_ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _Dragging his cigar, he frowns at the younger commodore beside him, doing his best to recall all that he knows about 'Pirate Hunter Zoro.' It's not an easy feat, since Roronoa was really only notorious in the East Blue.  
He remembers nothing but the mention of 'green hair,' the name 'Axe-hand Morgan,' (whom Luffy had brought into custody); and the grim look on Luffy's face when he had been sorting through the records of the corrupt marine._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _None of the three aforementioned topics would be helpful here, really._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _And so Smoker nods along as though Luffy hadn't breached a discussion he himself would always prohibit; with tight lips and a stern glare, and instead asks, "First mate for what?" _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _\---Luffy suddenly looks like he's been caught with his hand in a cookie jar. The expression on his face just *screams* his alarm._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _Blatantly lying and uncomfortably nervous, Luffy turns to the side and whistles, stuttering out a "-n-nothing." He looks super guilty immediately after, unwilling to meet eyes with Smoker.  
The hell's with that reaction?_ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _Bemused, Smoker huffs out a short breath, expelling the air he had been holding in his lungs. He then tells Luffy that he's a terrible liar. Luffy is honest (to a fault) compared to most marines, but he can at least pull off a little white lie without making it too obvious.  
His head injury really did a number on him, it seems. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ ___Luffy immediately splutters and disagrees vehemently, ("I'm not lying! It's nothing!"), and Smoker can't help the small bark of laughter he lets out because he's never seen the kid act so-_carefree?_ So unrestrained? Maybe it's that shroud of innocence that's never been present before._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _"Yeah, yeah. You don't have to explain yourself." Smoker grumbles good-naturedly, but Luffy insists on explaining himself anyways._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _"No, no, just listen, Smokey," the kid blabbers while gesturing wildly, "so- you know how I don't have my hat? And these weird clothes? And I know my crew's somewhere else, they can take care of themselves, since they're strong- like, really really strong, and I know they're taking care of my hat so I figured that since everything's different, and you're acting weird too, by the way, but since everything's really weird and I'm not even rubber right now- Oh! And I saw that there's a buncha marines and normally I'd beat them up but I'm wearing the same clothes as them and so yeah...guess I'm infertile."_ _ _ _

_ _ _ _...Smoker ends up making a vague choking noise in the back of his throat. _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _"Okay...repeat that?" he tries, after a good 3 minutes of silence._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _Luffy gives him a strange look, but nods nevertheless. "Okay," the boy agrees simply, and ends up repeating everything word for word._ _ _ _

__ __ __ _He puts extra emphasis on the last word, as though stressing how important that one word is._  
So.  
Infertile, huh. 

_ _ __ _ _

_ _ __ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _(In the distance, a desperate shriek of "GARP NO USE THE DOOR," and "NOO SHU! HELP HE ISN'T BREATHING THE WALL FUCKING CRUSHED HIM," echoes through the building, and Smoker can't help but wonder if it's a good thing that this generation can no longer continue)_ _ _ _

_ _ _ _"Ah! Wait!" Luffy exclaims, "I said it wrong! I'm *infertilizing* the marines!" He nods proudly as though he's accomplished something great... and immediately looks contrite. Visibly panicking, he rambles out a couple garbled excuses.  
"Wait...forget what I just said, I'm not actually doing that I'm not a spy I'm just saying that because-"_ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _"...Right. Okay." _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _The infirmary is too far away,...Smoker's gonna have to have to walk with Luffy for another ten minutes._ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> does luffy call hina heinie in canon?? i don't remember anything like that but i wanted to write that for some reason  
also sorry this is short, the other part of this comes afterwards in chapter 5?
> 
> because the next one's about marine luffy and the strawhats again


	4. bad writing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> chapter title

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so i really hate the italics i can't do them properly they'll randomly italicize random sentences and don't work on the words i want them to work in and it's all because i don't know how to do any simple code whatsoever
> 
> >:(
> 
> also I'll try and work out the kinks later on I'm too lazy to confront everything all at once   
this is short

Zoro doesn't know what to make of this mockery of his captain.

He looks the same.  
_Is_ the same, actually, in all physical aspects. The shape of his round eyes are no different, his slim frame is no different, there isn't even any difference in his voice.  
But all the same- __

_ _ -he's too different._ _

_ _This person is too cold to be Luffy.   
Too sharp to match the stupid pirate that Zoro had chosen to follow the day he had come bursting into his life; with bright smiles and an indomitable will.  
This person stares at him with doubting eyes and a calculating scowl, no hint of cheer or silly grins. No hint of any familiarity whatsoever._ _

_ _No hint of his friend._ _

_ _

_ _Deafening silence rings in Zoro's ears, and he can hear his heartbeat thrum in his chest. What does he do now? Where do they go from here?  
Do they fight? Who *is* this?_ _

_ _

_ _Where's Luffy?_ _

_ _(Because this sure as hell ain't him.  
This is an imposter.)_ _

_ _

_ _\----------------------_ _

_ _Nami watches Zoro angst for a little while longer before slapping him upside the head._ _

_ _

_ _Ignoring his incredulous glare with a snubbing huff, she looks at him pointedly and gestures at Luffy. _ _

_ _"That's Luffy. Okay? There's no way anyone could have sneaked their way onto our ship, we're literally surrounded by miles of ocean." _ _

_ _She only rolls her eyes when Zoro glowers at her in response, and snaps back a "-he's been hit in the head, hasn't he? Yeah, he's made of rubber, it shouldn't have hurt him, but _something_ might've, and it's our job to figure out how to help him. So don't get all snappy on me, idiot. You try to attack him, and I increase your interest rate by ten." She had meant that as something resembling a joke. She had just wanted to lighten the mood.___ _

_ _ _ _But the mention of his debt seems to only spur Zoro on further._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ "The hell, witch?! We don't even know what's happening here, and you're just gonna try and steal more money from me?"   
He slams a hand onto the table, the force shaking a half-filled cup off the surface and onto the floor.   
Nami eyes the stain slowly expanding on the floor with a disapproving eye. ...He's going to have to clean that up later. (Or he can pay for a new carpet)_ _ _ _

_ ___"This," Zoro points at Luffy, gritting his teeth, "is _not_ our captain. He would never be like this." His finger is shaking, Nami notices. She can barely catch the movement, but it's there._ _

_ _"What am I supposed to be like, then?!" Luffy snarls back, finally speaking up. "What do you even *want* from me?!"   
His hands are shaking too. He's gripping the edge of the table with ferocious strength, and the wood looks a hair's breadth from snapping. _ _

__"And you!" Zoro barks, brushing off Luffy's questions without sparing him a single glance, his ire directed at Nami once again, "-how can you be so calm?! How can you stay so composed, when _Luffy could be in danger?!_"

"_I'm_ Luffy, dumbass! And I told you already, I'm not your fucking captain!"  
Nami watches as Zoro's face pales in anger, and she almost backs up in the surety that a fight'll break out. __

_ _Instead, she steps between them. _ _

_ _Taking long, deep, breaths, (because despite what Zoro says she really is worried out of her mind, she can't fully convince herself that Luffy's actually okay) she musters as much bravado as possible and does her best angry frown. "Listen," she begins, "we'll settle this in a civilized manner. Luffy's been injured somehow, and Chopper's checked him over. Calm down, Zoro, we're all worri-"_ _

__"Don't give me that shit!" Zoro interrupts her irritably, "don't tell me that you're 'all worried.' You're here just trying to protect this _fake,_" Zoro almost spits the word out, and Luffy twitches at the clear insult, "and the rest of you! The rest of you are just fucking around, acting all relaxed and _you lot didn't even react when-_ when we thought that Luffy had...jumped."__

_ _Nami sees Usopp start like he's been burned out of the corner of her eye. 'That's not true,' Nami wants to say, 'we all discussed it before you came in, we didn't want to overwhelm him,' (didn't want to believe that he actually would)_ _

_ _ but she stays silent. _ _

_ _A new voice speaks up instead._ _

_ _

_ _"My apologies...I'm not good at comforting people, you see, and I'm afraid I only would have made things worse." The 'I believed that he would never really do such a thing' goes unsaid, but Nami hears it as though it had been spoken aloud._ _

_ _Robin steps forwards from where she had been, partially hidden in the shadows and seemly unperturbed. _ _

_ _But Nami can see the slight tremble of her hand, and the way her finger twitches nervously, the beginnings of a hand beginning to sprout from the wall. Robin's been a part of their crew for months, and Nami already knows the tell-tale signs of distress that the archaeologist has learned to hide all her life. _ _

_ _So she keeps her mouth shut and throws Robin a relieved look, as though thanking her for calming the situation down. She gets a small smile in return._ _

_ _That little smile vanishes almost instantly._ _

_ _

_ _"Nico Robin." _ _

_ _Luffy says her name sharply.   
His tone isn't quite cold, but it's distant enough- to make Nami feel shaken, and Robin's suddenly blank look reflects that as well._ _

_ _It's because Luffy's never looked at one of his crew that way before, with darting eyes and a layer of apprehension and pity all draped over his face. He's never treated them as someone to be careful around, not in this way, never with such wariness. _ _

__So when he whispers her name again, darker and deeper than Nami's ever heard before, she finds herself inching towards Zoro- because no matter how much she tells herself that this *is* Luffy, that she can't give up on him so easily, not like this, she just _can't_ convince herself.

It's almost stupid.

Robin doesn't say anything, only standing stock-still in front of Luffy. They stare at each other for a while, and Nami can't tell what either of them are thinking at all.

Luffy's voice cuts through the thick silence. "The Devil Child. Your bounty's at seventy-nine billion, and you've been on the run since Crocodile was confronted at Alabasta."   
There's no reaction from Robin aside from the protruding hand creeping upwards from the ground. 

"Have you joined a new pirate crew?" Luffy asks quietly, and none of his words are openly hostile, there's no contempt in anything he says, but he's just so- _disconcerting._ Nami can't associate him with the happy-go-lucky idiot captain she has, even though he's literally sitting right in front of her.__

_ _

_ _"Yes, I have." Robin answers, just as quietly as he had, and they don't break eye contact for another few uncomfortable minutes. Nami can see Sanji fidgeting nervously at the edge of the counter, his fingers drumming rhythmically against the smooth tile.  
His eyebrows are furrowed in something akin to frustration, but Nami isn't able to discern where that frustration is directed._ _

_ _

_ _A loud, cluttering, noise echoes through the room, and all eyes snap to Zoro's tense frame. His hands still placed cautiously on his sheathed swords, he kicks aside his overturned chair and makes his way over to Luffy, towering over him. _ _

_ _"I'll need proof," he says as way of explanation, glancing over at Nami, before reaching down and grabbing Luffy's cheeks._ _

_ _

_ _His skin stretches, of course, and Luffy's futile resistance does nothing to sway Zoro's firm hands. _ _

__"GMPHF?" Luffy looks absolutely shocked, and when he finally wrenches himself away from Zoro, he crumples to the ground and clutches at his face. "What's happening?!," he shouts, eyes wide and somewhat terrified. It's almost comical how he looks so much more like _Luffy_ now, with open shock lathered all over his face.

"WHY'S MY SKIN STRETCHING? THE HELL IS THI-" His voice gets cut off, muffled by Zoro's hand. "Calm down," Zoro mutters, "I think I understand now."

Luffy continues to make muffled noises under Zoro's hand, but his screams eventually die down into angry grumbles. "ghmphfhmmph," Nami hears, and Zoro finally releases his hold on Luffy's face.

"Explain." Luffy demands, shoving Zoro further away from him.

"I will," Zoro insists, "but just tell me one thing first."

Luffy eyes him warily, but nods anyways. "Okay."

Zoro shifts a little bit, stepping back to lean against the table. "Why are you a marine?" he asks. 

Nami can hear so many different things in the inflection of his voice.   
He's distraught, in his own way, even when all his emotions are hidden behind this cold exterior. But in his voice, his feelings'll slip through, and Nami can catch the painful undertones of disbelief and concern blending together. 

"Luffy would never be a marine," Zoro continues, when Luffy doesn't respond, "his dream is to be Pirate King. And he'd give his life to reach his dream. There's no way he'd ever be anything _but_ a pirate."   
There's utmost conviction in Zoro's words, and maybe that's what causes Luffy's face to twist into a shadow of a grimace. That grimace quickly gives way to a small frown, though.__

_ _When Nami's captain finally does respond, she can't help but wish Zoro had never asked.  
Because his answer feels like more like an intimate secret than it should be._ _

_ _

_ _"Garp's the only person I have," Luffy mumbles, facing away from everybody else, "and he wants me to be a marine._ _

_ _So I am one."_ _

_ _

_ _Garp, Nami hears. Not 'grandpa.'  
There's something wrong here, and it goes beyond Luffy's apparent head injury or sudden amnesia._ _

_ _It sends some sort of dread rolling down her spine._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what am i doing


	5. *sniffs creepily*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Uh." the worm says.  
He has a handful of Luffy's uniforms in his arms, and on his face is the classic 'hand in the cookie jar' look. Except it's not a cookie jar, it's a 17-year old boy's fucking closet.  
That 17-year old boy happens to be a commodore, and his grandfather happens to be a vice-admiral.
> 
> "The hell," Smoker says back.
> 
> "I wasn't sniffing it!" the fuck-ass shrieks.  
He then obviously takes a whiff with no shame.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> //warning for excessive swearing sorry if that bothers you don't worry it bothers me too//
> 
> so this is framed like small sections of things and all that
> 
> bro i was so close to tagging it something i shouldn't have
> 
> so i thought maybe kick between the legs might've needed to be tagged and i saw lots of other tags i could've used instead and i clicked it and it's not what i thought it was :/
> 
> damn it's a whole other category that i'm not allowed to look at probably

"MARINE FIST," Luffy shouts, seemingly close to tears.

"That was a kiiick," the recruit on the ground groans, clutching at his crotch, actually in tears. 

"Do it again," a different recruit moans, wriggling around on the ground. Smoker stares down at him in pure horror.

"MARI-" Luffy starts to draw his foot back again, looking a hair's breadth from crying, but Smoker stops him just in time. 

"-DON'T." he manages to say, gripping Luffy's knee and doing his best to avert his gaze from the strange man on the ground. This isn't worth it. Nothing is worth this. This goddamn recruit training can go to hell. Hell, hell.   
Fucking hell.

"MARINE-" Luffy shouts again, drawing back his uninjured arm. Smoker's too late this time; and the guy on the ground does a weird cross between a snort and a dying cat screech. A garbled "ye~ees," makes it's way to Smoker's ears (holy shit he's gunna puke)—  
—as does a loud 'SNAP'. Luffy looks down at his other now-broken arm with mild surprise, all traces of distress gone from his face. 

"Dang," Luffy says, pulling on his arm with visible strain. "-that's the other one." 

Then he looks at his leg contemplatively, swimming his broken arms side to side. "What if my legs broke too?" he asks Smoker loudly, and Smoker's...

Smoker's honestly ready to die.

.  
.  
.

.  
.  
.

"-get away," Smoker snarls, again, because the _goddamn pest is still clinging onto Luffy's leg-___

_ _"Kick me again." the worm demands. _ _

_ _Luffy's too busy trying to figure out how to break his nose without touching it, apparently.  
._ _

_ _

_ _._ _

_ _

_ _._ _

_ _

_ _"You're kidding me." _ _

_ _Smoker's back in Luffy's room, minding his own damn business and trying to get the papers they need for the meeting. Fucking meeting, s'been delayed for two hours already because they couldn't get the pest off of Luffy fast enough. Luffy's in the infirmary, getting another fucking cast. So fucking lucky._ _

_ _Why?  
Why's he lucky?_ _

_ _Because he doesn't have to deal with this shit._ _

_ _

_ _"Uh." the worm says.  
He has a handful of Luffy's uniforms in his arms, and on his face is the classic 'hand in the cookie jar' look. Except it's not a cookie jar, it's a 17-year old boy's fucking closet.  
That 17-year old boy happens to be a commodore, and his grandfather just so happens to be a vice-admiral. _ _

_ _"The hell," Smoker says back._ _

_ _"I wasn't sniffing it!" the fuck-ass shrieks.  
He then very obviously takes a whiff with no shame. _ _

_ _

_ _Smoker feels his eye twitch, but drags a palm down his face and resists the urge to suffocate the creep regardless. "Get out," he orders instead, because he's a marine._ _

_ _Wouldn't do his record any good to punt a new recruit out the window, after all._ _

_ _._ _

_ _._ _

_ _._ _

_ _The creep is following them._ _

_ _Luffy doesn't even notice, the oblivious little shit, but Smoker's already on the end of his rope._ _

_ _"Go away." he growls, slapping the ground with his jitte. Fucking shit day made worse by a fucking shit creep. Can't even attend a meeting without running into problems. Doctor said there was nothing wrong with Luffy, no concussion, no nothing. He's just apparently gone stupid, is all. _ _

_ _Fucking as-if._ _

_ _The creep eyes Luffy longingly, hanging back around the door frame._ _

_ _"Go. Away." Smoker growls with as much malice as possible. _ _

_ _The freak doesn't. _ _

_ _.  
.  
.  
._ _

_ _There's one hour left before their meeting begins, and Smoker's not willing to go back to recruit-training. With all the wimps and such. Instead, he ends up watching over a 17-year old child._ _

_ _"Smokey, Smokey! Watch this!" _ _

_ _Luffy jumps out the window so he can show off his loss of 'rubber powers,' whatever that means._ _

_ _

_ _Yeah.   
.  
.  
._ _

_ _Honestly, had Smoker not been so focused on cushioning Luffy's fall with smoke, he might've followed him down himself. It wouldn't be painless, he wouldn't actually die from it, too, but..._ _

_ _He considers it again when he finds the worm watching them from behind a slit in the wall._ _

_ _

_ _.  
.  
.  
It's a strange transition though, he thinks to himself as he deposits Luffy in the infirmary once again, to suddenly be unable to refer to Luffy as anything but 'child,' now.   
Because he sure as hell ain't an adult._ _

_ _He's...whatever this is, now._ _

_ _

__....wait, shit, he saw a pair of eyes behind the curtains that fucking _worm—_

.  
.  
.  
.

"-okay," Smoker says, slamming paperwork down onto the desk. 

"This guy's transferring out of Monkey D. Luffy's unit and into Sadi's." 

Aokiji gazes down at the paper lazily, reclining in his armchair. An ice-cube rattles in the drink he's stirring.

"....oh my, why's that?" he drawls. His eyes slowly drift up to meet Smoker's, but there's no interest in his voice.

"I'm not a rubberman," Luffy says intelligently in the background.

Aokiji eyes him for a brief moment, eyebrows barely drawn together. He then takes a look at the casts and nods to himself. "Concussion, probably." Smoker doesn't bother to try and correct him.  
"Another one?" Aokiji asks.

"Another what," Smoker growls. But semi-politely. 

"Another one of thoooose," Aokiji groans, tilting his head back to stare at the ceiling. "One of those guys that- you know, one of the pervs." He makes a rude gesture with his hand. The ice cubes clack with the sudden movement, and a bit of his drink spills onto the mahogany desk. 

"What." Smoker says again, just a tinge ruder than before.

"Ugh," Aokiji mumbles. "Kids don't understand anything these days."   
He reclines even further back in his chair, until his feet rest on top of the table. Aokiji yawns drowsily and closes one eye, keeping the other open in order to talk to Smoker. Smoker doesn't appreciate how his eyelid droops almost immediately. 

"We get those types every so often, and they usually end up getting moved to Sadi's unit. Even if they hadn't signed up to be a part of Impel Down's guard sect. Strangely enough, though, they mostly end up in Garp's grandson's unit. He handles them well enough, either beats them out of it or talks them into accordance. Though..." Aokiji side-eyes Luffy again, a faint trace of concern on his face. "-I guess he's not in the right condition to deal with this one."

"So this happens often then," Smoker says blankly. 

"More or less," Aokiji replies. "But don't worry, if smaller Monkey over here can't deal with it, bigger Monkey'll get rid of him instead."

"I'm not rubber," Luffy reassures them both quickly, even though no one had asked. 

"...so you'll transfer him then?" Smoker just wants a fucking answer.

To his immense frustration—oh who's he kidding. He's fucking pissed— Aokiji shakes his head.  
"Can't." he says simply.

"Why not," Smoker grits out through his clenched teeth. He's gripping his jitte so hard it might actually snap.

"...ask him yourself," Aokiji mutters, waving half-halfheartedly at Luffy. Extra halfheartedly, that's how lazy he is. Fucking lazy asshole.

"I'm not," Luffy says, because he had totally been paying close attention to the conversation. "I'm not rubber."

Smoker looks pointedly at Aokiji.

.

.

"Okay, look," Aokiji says for what must be the 17th time, "—it's his policy. He told us that he'd never abandon one of his men, even if they became pirates and tried to kill him, and then bitch-slapped some wuss that decided to test that policy out. And you know what? He was telling the truth. The guy's a lieutenant now, and he's pretty damn respectable in the lower ranks."

"I don't care, just get rid of the freak," Smoker says again, for what must be the 20th time. 

Aokiji groans and reclines even further back in his chair. 

"—then he bitch-slapped Kadar, because Kadar told him that what he said was stupid, and then they got into a fight, and Kadar threw a fit and then Brannew kicked Kadar because he saw them fighting and then Garp threw a fit and then _I _ had to go clean up the mess that he left and it was so much woooork and it took so long I wasted so much time and Kadar had to be moved far away because Garp would punch him on sight—"__

__"—OK." Smoker interrupts him, somewhat politer once again. "I get it. What I want to know is why you won't just _get rid of the creep._"

Aokiji flashes him an unimpressed frown. 

"I thought it was clear."

"It really wasn't."

"Well then ask him yourself."

"...No."

Luffy frowns blankly at them both, quietly kicking the table. "I'm not a rubber-man," he insists to Smoker. 

"Yeah...I caught that."   
.  
.  
.

.  
.

.

Smoker makes the fucking stupidest choice ever.

He leaves Luffy to himself for the remaining ten minutes until the meeting.

Stupidest. Fucking. Choice. He's ever fucking made.

He has to rush back when he hears screaming, and what does he find? Of fucking course it's Luffy and the fucking creepy-asshole.

"Why," Smoker says hoarsely when someone catapults out the window with nothing but underwear on.

.  
.  
.  
.

Garp walks into the room and is immediately met with screaming.

He's accustomed to this, of course, so he gets past it without sparing any of the marines-turned pirates even a glance. 

.  
.

.

"You're a commodore, Luffy. Act like it." Smoker growls, his voice low enough to be vaguely threatening.

"Koh-moh-dohr," Luffy sounds out slowly, as though tasting the words, "Oh! Like a Komodo Dragon?"

.  
.  
.  
.

"—Dragon?" Garp hears.

.

.

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "'MARINE FIST,' Luffy shouts, seemingly close to tears." <- "i don't wanna be a marine but i'm 'infertilizing' the base i'm a spy"  
also his attempt at copying "fist of love" lmaoo
> 
> HEY READ THIS PLEASE:  
i shortened the chapter count for a reason =)
> 
> it doesn't get resolved here, because this is a series, and the next one's actually about Marineford


End file.
